volumetwo | (no subject)

He glances over at him, still a little off kilter. James is clearly unsure, fighting to find footing, and he seems to be expecting Scorpius to throw his words back at him at any moment. Isn't that the ultimate trump card?

He reaches up to rub the side of his neck, right where Scorpius's lips had been, and chews hard on his own lower lip.

"I was going to-" He's too quiet, and he clears his throat and tries again. "I was just going to cook. I could- if you're hungry, since you're around..." It's an offer in James-ese.

"What a gentleman," Scorpius coos affectionately, beaming. "Let me put some pants on, I guess." He grins a little and then disappears into James's bedroom to throw his slacks back on. His shirt, that was ruined. But James's shirt would do just fine.

"Uh, I'd offer to help, but..." Scorpius Malfoy and kitchen weren't words that belonged in the same sentence.

James is secretly grateful when Scorpius pulls some trousers on -- the sight itself, after their little conversation before, was enough to have his heart jackhammering in his throat all over again.

"Yeah, it's fine, I was just--" He waves one hand vaguely, face still burning hot. "Pasta okay?"

"Sure."

Scorpius goes quiet. He rummages in James's icebox for something to drink, settling on a frosty looking bottle of butterbeer. As an afterthought, he pulls out a second one for James and then leans in to watch him stir the noodles in a pot. Muggle cooking is truly fascinating.

"Here," he says, keeping things light as he pushes the bottle into James's hand.

James jumps a little bit when Scorpius presses the bottle into his hand, sucking some some in through his teeth. He casts him a sidelong apologetic look after that, uncapping the drink and taking a sip. Everything about him still seems... Spooked.

"So... How was your day?" It feels lame even as he says it.

Merlin, did James just say that? And did he really...jump? It would hurt, if Scorpius wasn't sort of used to James blurting stupid things and then regretting them, somehow making Scorpius feel shitty about them too.

"James," he sighs, about to begin The Conversation.

James tips some pasta noodles into a pan of boiling water, his shoulders still set somewhat uncomfortably. He knew what conversation was coming, but-

"Are you happy?" Blurted in true Potter fashion, but it's not something he's fighting to take back. "With this. With- us. Are you happy?"

"I...huh?"

Scorpius really should be used to this by now, but James's blurted question still manages to catch him off guard. Is he...is he happy? Stupidly, he feels warm at the insinuation, at James's need to hear it out loud. (Which is, of course, no different from his own need to hear James speak earlier)

"Yes," he says. "I mean, I'll be happier when I'm out of Hogwarts and I don't have to sneak around, but yes." A pause. He leans down to try and catch James's eye. "...are you?"

"Happier when I'm not reminded you're still in school," he admits, and holds Scorpius's eyes for just a second before cutting them away again. Back to the pasta, as if he has to watch it attentively to keep it from cooking incorrectly. "I don't even-"

Honestly, most of the time he doesn't let himself process it. That's probably how he ended up blurting that earlier, he thinks.

"I don't even know how any of this happened. Doesn't it scare you?"

"Scare me? Why would it scare me?"

This isn't exactly new for Scorpius. Well, the I love you blurting was, but not the sex. Or the wanting to be with a person all the time. Scorpius may have never had a boyfriend per se, but he had fooled around enough to fall for people he shouldn't have.

He was starting to wonder if that wasn't what this was too.

"Are you scared?"

"Out of my mind."

He drags his fingers through his hair, looking like he wants to pace without knowing where. Finally, James looks at him, a crack in that carefully shuttered expression from earlier.

"How are you not? I don't even know- I'm not sure what we are, and maybe we're nothing, but the thought of you with someone else drives me mad, Scor, do you know that? I end up - it keeps me awake sometimes thinking, oh, what if he met someone in class today, would I even know, would he even tell me-"

When James pauses, it's only to take a breath, and he charges right back in.

"-and then I wonder, does it even matter, this is all - Da still wants me to be an auror and I don't know what I'm doing with my life and you keep me mixed up. So bloody mixed up."

Well....

Well shit.

Scorpius's eyes go a little wide, and his jaw could hit the floor. His chest is so tight it feels like his veins are tangled, and it's suddenly so warm there, near the stove, near James, that he's afraid he might catch fire. His stomach plummets. All of this, everything James says, it sure sounds like a bigger confession than the I love you he said earlier.

His cheeks burn. He keeps James up at night? James gets jealous thinking of him? He mixes James up?

Slowly, Scorpius takes a step back, then another, and sinks into the nearest chair, holding the arm rest for support. He's never been in anything this serious, and frankly, he isn't sure what he could say to alleviate any of James's nonsensical fears. He thinks about James, too, after all. About James at work. With girls. Coming to realize whatever he had with Scorpius was just curiosity.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he scoffed. "Well, thanks, now I'm scared."

The way that Scorpius steps back and sinks into a chair has James's stomach dropping out, too, but not in the same warm way. Had he said too much? He always said too much - he had a big goddamn mouth, and never knew when to shut up.

He puts the butterbeer down and heads to the freezer, hands shaking a little with the adrenaline that had just been dumped into his bloodstream. Why had he had to say anything? Why couldn't he have kept things the way they were? Tugging it open, he digs past the ice cream and seems to be hunting down the liquor he keeps in the back. Not the healthiest thing to do, but certainly the easiest.

"You're going to get in trouble if they find out you're sneaking off the grounds," he says, voice unsteady.

Watching James dig through the freezer, Scorpius just sits there. Silent. He's not sure what James wants him to say here. Or do. Or...or anything.

And that's when it hits him.

"James..." He hangs his head a little. "If this is a breakup conversation, it's...best to just get it out in one go. Like ripping off a bandage."

"--can we break up? Are we dating?"

And that seems to be the crux of the issue. He finds the bottle and pulls it out, focusing on the cap instead of the boy in front of him.

"I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know how to be a boyfriend. I don't know how to have a boyfriend." And off comes the cap. James takes a long pull from the bottle and nearly gags. "I didn't even know I liked blokes until you came along."

This whole conversation is making Scorpius feel sick. It had all started out so good, too. The phone sex thing. It was so hot. And hearing James say he loved him...

He didn't quite understand where all that pleasure had run off to.

"So...you're confused." The words sting, but he forces himself to say them anyway. "Or it's a phase. Or you were just curious." He scoffs, shrugging. "Give me whichever excuse you want, and I'll get out of your hair."

"You're not answering my question."

James wanted more than anything to take another pull from the bottle, but his stomach was already turning in on itself.

"Are you my boyfriend?"

Staring at James, who won't so much as look back at him, Scorpius thinks it would be best to lie. To tell James to fuck off and never see him again. But then, he doesn't always do what's best.

"I thought I was, yeah."

"I kept telling myself that this was a- game or something." He glances at the boiling water, makes sure that it isn't about to make a mess, and finally moves to sit awkwardly at the table across from Scorpius. "I figured you were gonna get bored and move on. You know, I'm a Potter, ha ha, the novelty'd wear off eventually."

When he cuts his eyes up to him, the fear he had mentioned is real, is there.

"But I think I meant what I said before. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it."

Scorpius is sure, for a few brief minutes, that he's gone deaf. The only thing he can hear is how his heart thuds against his ear drums, against his ribs, up high in his throat.

I meant what I said before.

The fear in James's eyes makes whatever was left in his stomach drop away all over again. He could really be sick on this roller coaster.

"...To be honest, the novelty wore off about five minutes after you opened your mouth." It's a joke meant to diffuse the tension, but it comes out so raw that Scorpius doesn't know how to make it funny again. He holds James's eyes, because that's all he can hope to do right now. "I don't really know what to do either, you know. I didn't write the book on gay relationships. I've never even...really been in one." He swallows again, feeling utterly pathetic. "You're the only guy I've been with for more than a week who didn't say it was just a fad or something."

"I wanted it to be a fad," he admits, and when he looks away, it's only because he's half-smiling at the jab about him opening his mouth. James swallows once, then again, distantly afraid that he's going to swallow his own tongue, before he sort of makes a beckoning gesture at Scorpius. Come here, he seems to be saying, and he's shifting back in his chair to make sure his lap is flat.

"-- but they're bastards," James croaks finally. "If they strung you along. They're right bastards."

"Worse then guys who blurt wonderful things and then freak out about it?" he asks, lifting both brows as he stands up and circles the table slowly. They should probably take things slow again, but Scorpius has never been particularly good at slow, so he just throws a leg over James's lap and slides into an easy straddle, facing him with both arms around his neck.

James sighs as he winds his arms around Scorpius's waist. He's still trembling a little as he does it, still from that same adrenaline rush. "Yeah. A lot worse." He curls his fingers into the back of his shirt, watching him. "Do you remember that first time you came to my house? And we both ended up in the pond."

"Yeah... Of course I do."

He'd never forget it, actually. It was one of those things that kept him up at night. That first kiss. The look on James's face... The way his entire stomach felt like it jumped when James so much as looked at him.

Electric, as the Muggles would say.

"Thought I hated you."

James sighs again, before sort of just tugging Scorpius in against him, shifting to rest his chin atop his head.

"I really did. I thought you were - I don't know, corrupting my baby brother. Thought you were trying to get blackmail material on me, too, or something. Think I was already scared, even back then."